Ways to Annoy and Torture the Characters from A Song of Ice and Fire
by Kur8Kami117
Summary: Title says it all. The Others discover a list that could potentially grant them world domination. Warnings included in Introduction. -CRACK-
1. Introduction

Hi everyone! This is my first ASoIaF fanfic, and I hope you enjoy it. Yes, this is a fanfic. The Others will discover this list when it is completed (not really, but in the fanfic). I noticed that a lot of other fandoms had "ways to annoy the characters" lists, but ASoIaF didn't. Now it will! I am allowing you to make suggestions via reviews or PMs. **Here are the guidelines:**

1) You may make suggestions for characters who already have chapters up. I can edit a chapter to include your ideas.

2) You may make multiple suggestions for a character.

3) You may make suggestions for multiple characters.

4) You may make suggestions for characters without viewpoints. (Sandor, Jaqen H'gar, Khal Drogo, Joffrey, etc.)

5) Suggestions don't have to be realistic to the series. You may include modern stuff such as popcorn and machine guns.

6) Suggestions must be specific to a character. Something that would bother practically anyone will not be allowed. (ex. Anyone would be bothered by getting punched in the face; Bran would be specifically bothered by being fed nothing but bran muffins.)

7) Crossover suggestions are allowed if they're well known, and if I'm familiar with the fandom.

8) M-rated suggestions are allowed. ASoIaF is an M-rated series. Though I'm starting it T-rated, I can simply change it to M.

9) As of right now, please don't give me spoilers for DwD. I haven't read it yet!

10) The meaner the character, the meaner their list can be. By that, I mean that horrible characters (JOFFREY) deserve gruesome torture whereas non-horrible characters don't. Don't be _too_ harsh to the "nice" characters. (Please don't make cripple jokes about Bran; teasing Tyrion about lacking a nose is fine but teasing him about Tysha's rape is not; teasing about Sandor's fire-phobia is fine if you don't go overboard.)

**What to expect:**

1) I'm putting chapters up in order of whose viewpoint appears first. Characters who don't have viewpoints will appear after in random order.

2) Each chapter will (hopefully) have at least ten ways to torment the characters.

3) It will take a LONG time for this to be finished. Each book contributes to my ideas, and it takes a while to read them. It takes even longer for George R.R. Martin to write them.

4) Updates will probably be inconsistent due to my busy schedule. Sorry!

5) I credit people for their suggestions.

6) I might not include every suggestion. Sorry about that.

7) There will be spoilers for the first four books.

**Warnings:**

1) Do not read in an area where you must be quiet.

2) Do not read if you don't want spoilers for the first four books.

3) Do not flame. Your flames are wimpy compared to those of Dany's dragons.

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First up…Bran!


	2. Bran

**A/N:** Hi everyone! No one has reviewed yet. :( Oh well. Maybe this chapter will get some suggestions. I hope all of you enjoy reading about how to torment our favorite little warg. I only have ten ways thought up so far. Hopefully, I'll think up more later on. Enjoy! :)

**Edit 2/26/14:** I thought up way #11.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ASoIaF. If I did, it would take me even longer to write it than George R.R. Martin takes.

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1) Feed him nothing but bran muffins. If he gets tired of them and wargs into Summer, feed Summer nothing but bran muffins, too.

2) Find a member of the Night's Watch, and draw an eyeball on his forehead. Tell Bran you've found a three-eyed crow.

3) Dress him up like a Disney princess because his dreams really do come true.

4) Sing the Bob the Builder theme song to him replacing "Bob" with "Bran" and the names of the Bob the Builder characters with the those of the rest of the Stark family, Hodor, and the Reeds. When he tells you he's not Bran the Builder, sigh and say you found the wrong Bran.

5) Convince everyone he encounters to say nothing but "Hodor."

6) Have Hodor do the limbo while Bran is sitting in his basket.

7) Teach him to play fetch while he's in Summer's body. Tease him about it when he returns to his own body.

8) Show him pictures of wargs from The Lord of the Rings. Tell him that's what his body will look like if he continues to strengthen his warg powers.

9) Replace Meera and Jojen with Big Walder and Little Walder.

10) Talk to him as if he were a silly, naive little child.

11) Ask him if he wants to hear a perfect howl from something other than a wolf. Proceed to give him a Howler letter from the Harry Potter series.

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? Next one up... Catelyn!


	3. Catelyn

**A/N: **Hi everyone! First off, I'd like to thank my four reviewers: Master Solo, Kit Thespian, and the two guests. I'm giving Kit Thespian credit for # 4. It's a bit harsh, but oh well; enough people aren't that fond of Catelyn, so I don't think it's overboard. I'm also giving the second guest credit for #s 5 and 6. I added a bit of stuff to them, but the idea is still yours. Enjoy! :)

**Edit 3/4/14:** I'd like to thank The Guy of Ice and Fire for inspiring me to write #11.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ASoIaF. I do own GoT and CoK... _copies_, not the ideas.

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1) Call her a cannibal every time she eats fish.

2) Draw a picture of a fish-cat-wolf hybrid and ask her if she likes her portrait.

3) Order her to start a 'Mommy Club' with Cersei.

4) Sing 'The Rains of Castamere' every time she walks into a room.

5) Tell her that Sansa had an affair with Joffrey's dog.

6) Make up a heroic song about Tyrion. Emphasize the event in which brave, noble Tyrion was imprisoned due to the foolish assumptions of a paranoid mother. Follow her around singing it loudly.

7) Tell her Littlefinger decided that he likes Sansa much better than her.

8) Tell her she's terrible at keeping track of her children.

9) Ask her if she has a thing for tied up Lannisters. When she denies it, rant about how she enjoyed it when Tyrion and Jaime were imprisoned; one when her husband was absent and the other when he was dead.

10) Climb up to a high place above her when it's snowing. Make sure she doesn't see you. When she walks under you, dump a pile of snow on her and announce, "THE LADY OF WINTERFELL HAS ARRIVED!"

11) Better yet, do the same thing as in #10 except with Jon Snow instead of actual snow.

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? Next one up... Daenerys!


	4. Daenerys

**A/N:** Hi everyone! This was quite fun to write. First off, I'd like to thank everyone reading this story, especially my reviewers: RockyMountainGirl, Master Solo, The Guy of Ice and Fire, TheVillianStratigest, and Silverlight10243. I'm so glad that so many people are enjoying this story! :D Also, I will get to the Lannisters eventually. I plan on doing all the characters in order of their POVs, then I'll move on to the characters without POVs and do them in the order of which one most of you would like to read about. This is so I can keep better track of who to do. If you have any questions, they're probably answered in the Introduction. If not, you can just review or PM me. :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading about how to torment our favorite khaleesi! :)

Also, # 4 is not meant to offend any cutters and/or former cutters. My little sister typed up # 8 after knocking me out of my chair. Credit goes to her for that one. For some reason, she's obsessed with the idea of DanyxHodor.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ASoIaF, or _My Little Pony_, or Smaug, or _Sleeping Beauty_, or pirates of any sort. I do own popcorn! :D

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1) Constantly borrow her dragons for silly reasons (popping popcorn, flashlights, starting campfires, etc.).

2) Introduce the Dothraki to _My Little Pony_.

3) Have her watch _Sleeping Beauty_, and tell her that the evil stepmother reminds you of her.

4) Next time she says the Targaryen motto, ask her if she's an arsonist and/or a cutter.

5) Douse her dragons with fire extinguisher.

6) Paint bears on all of her belongings.

7) Dump mud on all the Unsullied. Tell her that she has no more of them left.

8) TELL HER YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS EXACTLY LIKE KHAL DROGO AND THEN SHOW HER HODOR!:3 HODOR HODOR HODOR! Derp.

9) Ask her if Smaug was also her brother. Like Viserys, he also got molten gold dumped on him.

10) Tell her that all the little girls would much rather grow up to be princesses than khaleesis.

11) Ask her if her dragons are her biological children or if they're adopted.

12) Sew on two extra heads and wings to all her clothing so she'll look more like a Targaryen dragon.

13) Mix coal and lighter fluid into her dragons' food.

14) Get the Pirates of the Caribbean to raid the Dothraki ships next time they set sail.

15) Be a sheep-witch for Halloween.

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? Next one up... Eddard! This one will be a bit difficult to write. Suggestions are appreciated! :)


	5. Eddard

**A/N:** Hi everyone! First off, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated this in a while. My friend just let me borrow FfC, and I'm about one third of the way through it. Also, it's the middle of exam week. I'll try to update more frequently, yet I can't guarantee when. Also, I'd like to thank everyone reading this story, especially my reviewers: Pippy, a guest, Master Solo, and RukiaGallega. Credit goes to RukiaGallega for #s 1-4. I'm so thankful for your great suggestions, and I'm glad you're enjoying this! :) Also, to the guest, if you don't like a chapter, then you're welcome to leave a suggestion. If you're disappointed and think you could do better, then please let me know what you'd like me to put. You can leave suggestions for chapters I've already done. Anyway, enjoy! :D

**Edit 4/3/14: **I added # 11!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ASoIaF. I'm not even done with FfC yet. I don't own Boromir, either.

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1) Ask him if it's really true that Littlefinger took Catelyn's virginity.

2) Follow him around saying "You just lost the Game!" at random times.

3) Ask him if he has a twin brother called Boromir.

4) Tell him, "Keep calm and don't lose your head!" whenever he gets annoyed.

5) Pour direwolf urine all over Winterfell and announce that the Northern territory must be marked in the name of the Starks.

6) Say that he raised his children poorly. When he protests, explain that Robb's dead, Jon broke his vows, Sansa lets little kids fondle her boobs, Arya's a murderer, Bran ran away from home to go bird watching, and Rickon has no self control.

7) Do a DNA test on Jon Snow to find out who the mommy was, or if he was even really his daddy.

8) Say that they should have chopped off his hands instead of his head because that's a better way to get rid of a Hand.

9) Get Thoros to resurrect him, but hide his head so he can't see anything.

10) Turn him into a wight and have him kill all the decent characters.

11) Refer to him as "No-Head Ned."

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? Next one up... Jon!


	6. Jon

**A/N: **I'm almost done with FfC now! :D I have about a hundred pages left. I won't be updating this till I finish the book, which could be anywhere between a few days to a couple of weeks depending on my schedule. I'll try to get the next chapter out on the day I finish it. Thank you everyone for reading this, especially my reviewers, Fostofina and RukiaGallega. # 1 was Fostofina's idea, and I got #s 2 and 3 from RukiaGallega. I got the idea for # 15 from a picture I saw on Google Images. Enjoy! :)

Also, I wrote a short crossover between ASoIaF and another series called Underland Chronicles_._ I'm not sure how many of you have read that series, but I'd appreciate it if you read my fanfic and reviewed it if you have!

**Disclaimer:** As much as I (and many other fangirls) would like to, I do not own Jon Snow. He is owned by the Night's Watch. I don't own the rest of ASoIaF, either. Nor do I own Bleach, Iron Man, or Divergent. Oh well. At least I have a glowing watch.

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1) Make him fight an army of Others with nothing but burning oil lamps as Melisandre proclaims him Azor Ahai since he used fire.

2) Start calling him "Dragonspawn." When he doesn't get it, reply with "You know nothing, Jon Snow."

3) Reply to everything else he says with "You know nothing, Jon Snow."

4) Switch the Night's Watch uniforms with red cloaks in honor of Azor Ahai.

5) Start calling the Night's Watch "Wallies."

6) Build a bunch of snowmen right below the Wall and tell him the wights are attacking.

7) Put a red wig on one of them. Tell him Ygritte turned into a wight.

8) Get an army of red-haired Jon Snow fangirls and tell him that you think one of them might be Ygritte.

9) Take the wildlings on a tour of Westeros.

10) Get him to wear a poorly made crown with "Lord Snow" inscribed on it.

11) Tell him to send a large group of men from the Night's Watch to carve a smiley face on the Wall so it will stop weeping.

12) While he's away, convince everyone in the Night's Watch that their new top priority is to manufacture glow-in-the-dark watches so everyone can have watches that work by night.

13) Replace him with Tris from Divergent as Lord Commander because she has crow/raven tattoos, and he doesn't.

14) If that doesn't work, replace him with Coyote Starrk from Bleach. (Ironic because his surname is similar to Stark, and he has wolf powers.)

15) State that Iron Man is more of a Stark than he is.

16) Tell him some people ship him with Arya.

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? Speaking of Arya, the next chapter is hers! Suggestions are appreciated!


	7. Arya

**A/N: **I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while! I finished FfC, but then I had to study for AP exams... Anyway, here's Arya's chapter. I hope you enjoy it! :) Also, thanks to all my readers, especially RukiaGallega and TheVillianStratigest for reviewing! Credit to #1 goes to RukiaGallega, and I will do Tywin's chapter after Tyrion's and Sansa's. :)

**Disclaimer:** Arya owns herself. 'Nuff said.

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1) Hide Needle. While she searches frantically for it, tell her you've found it and hold up an actual needle.

2) Ask her if the Cat of the Canals wants a ball of yarn to go with her Needle.

3) Ask her a bunch of annoying questions beginning with Arya. (ex. "Arya happy?" "Arya gonna stab that guy?" "Arya a Stark?" etc.)

4) Nag her to play dolls with you.

5) Give her makeup and tell her it's war paint, then get Sansa and Septa Mordane when she puts it on.

6) Replace all of her stuff with Sansa's.

7) Make her dress up like a cat when she sells oysters.

8) Try to convince her that anyone she sees might secretly be Jaqen H'ghar, then laugh if she interrogates any random people.

9) When you talk to her, address her by all her aliases at once. (Arya/Weasel/Cat/Nym/Salty/etc.)

10) Appoint Sandor to be her seeing eye dog.

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**A/N:** Which ones did you like best? The next one up is Tyrion, though it will be a bit difficult since he doesn't let most things bother him. Suggestions are appreciated! :)


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